They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
