Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
FUCK WHALES
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
