eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
