It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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