did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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