Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
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I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
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Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
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