He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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