dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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