I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I could have mohawked her pubes.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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