Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
