I hate your face
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
