I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
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Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
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Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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