using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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