oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
