What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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