There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
my being single is dangerous.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
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