summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
