every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
