I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
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