Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
