I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
