when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
