My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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