I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
