You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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