There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So vagazzling was a success
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
