he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I touched a dick in church today
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
