This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
