Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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