my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
