I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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