areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
