Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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