i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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