Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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