Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
