Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Just high enough for therapy.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
