my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
