i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
