I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
