You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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