I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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