evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
