There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
