I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
