Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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