I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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