and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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