Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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