I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
