I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
