I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
