They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
