how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
