Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
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So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
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Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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