omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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