my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
