I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
