I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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