did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
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After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
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At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize