I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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