Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
